A lot of people talk about coping with low self-esteem, but less is said about self-esteem that comes and goes. The truth is, when it comes to self-esteem, most people fit in the middle of the spectrum, feeling fairly self-confident one minute and then anxious the next.

If you can identify with swings in your confidence, here are some ways to cope:

Understand Emotions Are Your Friend

Though it’s not always easy dealing with uncomfortable emotions, understand that they are part of our evolved warning system. We all have emotions for a reason, and they can be used as helpful guides in our lives, reminding us how we feel about things. Sometimes, however, this system can break down (as in the case of depression and panic attacks), but generally speaking, our emotions are there to help us.

Sometimes a Loss of Confidence is Justified

Sometimes when we have a sudden loss of confidence, it is completely justified. For example, you may have started a new job and don’t know all the ropes or players on your team. One day you pitch an idea to your new boss and colleagues. Most of them react favorably, but one or two people have a negative reaction. That negative response is likely to rock you disproportionately because you feel you have a lot to prove and want to keep your job.

Our psyche has been designed to react to any kind of uncertainty or mixed signals with anxiety. If it weren’t for our ability to find and react to possible dangers, human beings would have gone extinct a long time ago.

The moral of the story is, don’t make your loss of confidence even worse by chastising yourself for feeling less confident. In many situations, it is a common reaction.

A Loss of Confidence Can Help You Make Better Choices

Often when we feel a sudden loss of confidence, it is a signal that we need to make better choices. Our intuition is trying to get our attention and let us know, “Pssst, you’re not doing it quite right,” or “This wasn’t what you had in mind.”

Instead of panicking about your lack of confidence, listen to it to hear what it’s trying to tell you.

Some common things it might be trying to say are:

• Finish what you started
• Test your strategies to see if they are really working
• Ask for feedback

Typically, our self-confidence comes back as quickly as it left us. But for some, this might not always be the case. Some people struggle day to day with low confidence because they have underlying low self-esteem. These individuals would greatly benefit from working with a psychologist to uncover where these feelings stem from, and how to manage them in the future.

If you or someone you know lacks self-confidence because of low self-esteem and would like to explore treatment options, please contact our office. We’d be more than happy to discuss how we may be able to help.

When was the last time you heard from your inner critic? You know, that voice in your head that constantly judges you, puts you down and compares you to others. The one that tells you you’re not good enough or smart enough and says things you would never dream of saying to another person.

Now you may think this inner critic, while annoying, is relatively harmless. But this is not the case. This inner critical voice limits you and stops you from living the life you truly desire. It hinders your emotional well-being and, if left unchecked, can even lead to depression or anxiety.

Here are some ways you can silence that inner critic and stop beating yourself up.

1. Give it Attention

That’s right, in order to gain control over your inner critic you have to know that it exists. Most of our thinking is automatic. In other words, we don’t give our thoughts much thought. We barely notice a critical thought has passed. Give attention to your thoughts, all of them. This will help you recognize the critical voice.

Here are some emotional clues the critic has reared its ugly head: whenever you feel doubt, guilt, shame, and worthlessness. These are almost always signs of the critic at work.

1. Separate Yourself from Your Inner Critic

Your inner critic is like a parasite, feeding off you. You were not born with this parasite but acquired it along the way. Your inner critic hopes it can hide and blend in, and that you’ll think ITS thoughts are your own.

You have to separate yourself from this parasite. One way to do that is to give your critic a name. Have fun with this naming. You could call your inner critic anything from “Todd” to “Miss. Annoying Loudmouth.” It doesn’t matter.

What matters is that you learn to separate it from your authentic self.

1. Talk Back

In order to take the power away from your inner critic, you’ve got to give it a taste of its own medicine. As soon as you recognize your inner critic is speaking to you, tell it to be quiet. Tell it that the jig is up, that you know it is a big, fat liar, and that you want it to go away. If you want to really make this voice recoil, tell it you are choosing to be kind to yourself from now on.

Self-compassion to an inner critic is like garlic to a vampire.

1. Create a New Inner Voice

If you want to defeat an enemy, you need to have a powerful ally on your side. It’s important at this juncture to create an even more powerful inner voice. One that is on your side and acts as your BFF.

To create this new voice, start noticing the good things about yourself. No matter what that nasty critic said about you, the truth is you have fantastic traits and abilities. Start focusing on those. Yes, it will be hard at first to let yourself see you in a positive light, but the more you do it, the easier it will get.

Life is short. To have the most fulfilling one possible, we have to stop wasting time on beating ourselves up. Take these 4 steps and learn to quiet that inner critic. Your best you is waiting to be celebrated.

Some people’s inner critic is stronger than others. Sometimes the greatest ally you can have in your corner is an impartial third party, a psychologist who can see you for who you really are.

If you or a loved one could use some help defeating your inner critic and would like to explore therapy, get in touch with us. We would be pleased to speak with you about how we may be able to help.

Do a search right now on Amazon books on the topic of “Happiness” and you will be returned page after page of titles, all claiming to have the secret to finding it. Why our obsession with happiness? Maybe the better questions is, why does happiness seem to elude so many people?

At one time, humans were too busy running from Sabre-Tooth Tigers and searching for food to be concerned with whether or not they were happy. But, thanks to grocery stores, penicillin and earned incomes, human mortality has been extended, which has created the opportunity to focus on self-growth.

An expanding body of research has also suggested that happiness doesn’t just feel good, it is linked to other benefits such as better immune-system function and higher earnings. No wonder so many of us pine for it.

But what is happiness exactly? We feel happy when we are with the people we love. We feel happy when we’re watching a funny movie or eating our favorite pasta dish. But happiness seems more than just an emotion because emotions are fleeting and transient.

So, what is it then?

Happiness is a state of mind, and as such, can be intentional and strategic. This is good news because it means we can intentionally make choices that lead to a positive state of mind – AKA happiness. We can look to the people who seem naturally happy and copy what they do.

And here’s what they do:

They Understand Growth is Painful

Many people play life safe. They eat at the same restaurants, vacation at the same place every year and spend time with the same people. But sustained happiness is not about being safe and settled. It’s about discovery and growth, which require life lived outside of your comfort zone.

They Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff

Happy people don’t sweat the small stuff and they are not perfectionists. Rather, they possess a devil-may-care attitude about their performance. A review of research literature found that the happiest people, those who scored a 9 or 10 out of 10 on measures of life satisfaction, typically didn’t perform as well as moderately happy people in accomplishments such as grades, class attendance or work salaries.

This is not to say that we should all stop trying our best. But it does suggest that it’s okay to sacrifice some degree of achievement if it means we don’t have to sweat the small stuff and worry ourselves into glumness.

They Feel Their Feelings

You would think that really happy people are happy all the time, but that doesn’t seem to be the case.

Psychologically healthy people are those that understand the importance of letting some things roll off their backs as well as feeling their genuine emotions. Happy people don’t deny their distasteful or uncomfortable emotions, they don’t sweep them under the rug. They instead use their negative emotions as signals so they can make different choices in the future.

For instance, a happy person might feel jealous because a coworker got a promotion and they didn’t. These people don’t wallow in the feeling of jealousy. They see this emotion as a signal that they could have done something differently to achieve a more desirable outcome.

If you don’t think you are as happy as you could be, try to take more risks, or try to sweat the small stuff less, or try to notice your feelings as decision making guides.

If you’re unsure about how to take on one or more of those challenges, please contact our office today. We’ve helped many people increase their sense of happiness and would be pleased to

speak with you about how we may be able to help.

Self-doubt can be debilitating. It can hold you back from pursuing your dreams and living the life you really want. Self-doubt can also make it hard to complete necessary daily tasks and make simple decisions.

The good news is, it is possible to overcome self-doubt and quiet that negative self-talk. Here’s how:

1. Take Charge Immediately

When inner doubts start to creep up, many people let them spin out of control and fully take over. Once this happens, it’s incredibly difficult to regain control.

It’s important that you take charge immediately and stop the negative talk as soon as it begins. In your mind, speak to yourself and say something like, “No. Nope, we’re not gonna do this.” Should the negative talk start up seconds later, talk to it again and put it in its place. Doing this interrupts your thought patterns – which are basically thought habits – and eventually your inner self-doubter will realize you’re serious and retreat.

2. Remember, You Can Always Make Adjustments

Many times, people are so fearful of making mistakes, they take no action toward their goal. But reaching a goal should be thought of as going on a wonderful car trip. You have a map and a basic route planned out, but along the journey, you may decide you want to hop off the highway and try a scenic byway instead. You may decide to backtrack and stop at that cute little souvenir shop. Sure, all of these changes to your initial itinerary may add a little time to your trip, but you’ll still get to your destination. And you’ll get there with more photos and T-shirts and wonderful memories!

Trying to plan every single move you will take to get to your goal can be exhausting and impractical. Just take the first step, then another, and then another… and remember, you can always change your mind and adjust along the way.

3. Talk to Someone

Self-doubt can easily become distorted and exaggerated when you keep all of your thoughts to yourself. But, when you speak to someone and let those thoughts out into the light, you have the chance to hear how exaggerated they may be. Also, talking about your doubts with a psychologist who is supportive is a great way to gain a fresh perspective.

If you or a loved one is afflicted with self-doubt and is interested in exploring treatment, please contact our office today. We would be happy to speak with you about how we may be able to help.